


Knov Falls Madly in Love With a Bush / Morel Teaches Killua About Vaping

by phalarope (mniotilta)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mniotilta/pseuds/phalarope
Summary: TWO FOR ONE FIC DEAL!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!





	Knov Falls Madly in Love With a Bush / Morel Teaches Killua About Vaping

**Author's Note:**

> i cannot stop laughing right now there are tears going down my face and i needed to express my feelings in a constructive way instead of doing my homework b/c i'm out of control
> 
> thank you my dear pal and ao3 user yboiveth for once again giving me good ideas
> 
> some spoilers for the chimera ant arc i guess?????

FIC NUMBER ONE  
  
Knov i don't think he has a last name was walking around in his business suit being all serious, with his smart glasses and cool demeanor. He walked down the hallway of the hutner asosciateion or whatever. in the windows he saw his reflection........... and his baldness peaking out underneath his emergencey hat. he had lost his nice orange one when a very angry gust of wind went by and took it from him, so he opened his pocket shadow dimension and pulled out the one he usually kept as backup. he had sighed when he put it on his head, but this was his ownly option.  
  
in his reflection he could see the lettering on the hat clearly. "Bigfoot is real and he tried to eat my ass," it said in a pleasant font with an accompanying picture of The Big Man himself. Knov had not experienced bigfoot, nor had any cryptid attempted to eat his ass before, but deep down inside he was open to it, of the mood arose. He still sighed when he looked at himself though, because he had received this hat as a holiday jift from another hunter as a joke, and never thought he would seriously have an instance in which he would need to wear it. poor poor knovbular man.  
  
but then.... out of the corner of his eye..... he saw..... them. the most beautiful individual he had ever saw, with beautiful green leaves, charming colorful flowers, and a sturdy root structure. he could've sworn the beautiful bush winked at him seductively in the breeze, despite not having any eyes.  
  
his heart beat faster, and he started sweating. the wind ruffled some of his/her limbs (authors nose: plants do not have sex characteristics in the same way as humanoid trash beasts so some bushes have like, both male and female parts, so this bush is both make and female), seemingly motnioning him to come closer.  
  
knov burst through the window, sending glass everywhere, because he could not wait to be in the bush's powerful, floral embrace. as he wrapped his arms around the bush he felt loved and he would've been content to stay in this moment forever. he started crying and kissed the bush atop their head (dense part of foilage). he kissed the bush so much he started licking it.  
  
suddenly, he heard screaming from the sound of the bush and was worried that he had hurt his future spouse, but out came a very angry bird that had been building a nest in that bush, who started pecking him. knov was offended and sad and flailed around as he was assailed. they never teach you about how to deal with birds in hunter school. that's something you gotta go to bird school for, you motherfucker.  
  
[please open this link in a new tab so you can listen to the soundtrack during the next part of the scene. thank you.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRiSOMkDMX0)  
  
knov struggled against the bird in slow motion, batting his noodle arms everywhere. in his misfortune, he knocked over an entire can of lighter fluid all over the bush, which would have been fine, but tragfically knov's lighter that he used only for waving around at Carley Rae Jepsen concerts (fact: he has been to every one of them) fell out of his pocket, hit against a nearby rock, and a flame began.  
  
the bush was overtook by flame instantly. the bird flew away, knowing that it could make a new nest elsewhere .but kob, he was destroyed. his true love was before him, being eaten away by the flame, and all he could do was scream and wail. it was sadder than the titanic.  
  
the end you may now close the song tab

* * *

FIC NUMBER TWO  
  
Killua jaywalked across the street, causing several car accidents while he absentmindedly scrolled through instagram in his $10000000000000 dollar outfit, it was all gucci, including his sunglasses. he angled his phone camera as he crossed the street to capture him making a face with all these accidents behimd him. cars were burning. fire hydrants were busting water all over the street. nobody was seriously injured. but none of that mattered because killua looked FUCKING INCREDIBLE in the lighting. he posted it on instrgram right away and skaterboi'd away on his skaterboard.  
  
there, he was left alone with his thoughts. god he was so gay. he was gay for Gonathan. he was so gay, scientists reasoned they could harvest his gay energy for fuel and power the planet for at least fifity years.  
  
"this is clean, green energy" the scientsits had said years ago, pointing to their powerpoint presentation adn wearing labcoats. "and this power inside killua will only grow mor Powerful as he grows into a big strong boy." this is why his family wanted to control him, so they could corner the renewable energy market, but killua was not about that. killua was a communist, and beleived that his family having a monopoly on this emerging market would not be good for the consumer, as there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. gayness, he would later write as his college thesis, should be available for all to share.  
  
as he shredded down the sidewalk on his board he saw the big man, morel mackernasty. morel waved with his FIST and killua waved back, rolling to a stop as morel oepned his mouwth  
  
HELLO KILLUA he said, HOW ARE YOU TODAY.  
  
"i'm a'ight," killua saud. "where's your pipe."  
  
OH YES, and morel scratched his chin. I HAVE NOT TOLD YOU. TOGASHI HAS ADAPTED MY PIPE TO BE MORE HIP WITH THE MODERN TIMES.  
  
morel took a small vape pen out of his pocket. he blew it until rabbits came out of it.  
  
"it seems like, the same."  
  
"You fool," a voice cried out from the rooftop. killua and morel looked up. killua saw who was speaking, while morel started right into the sun like a fucking idiot.  
  
the owner of the voice was perched on the edge of the roof, slav squatting. it was hisoka, the clown. he jumped 15 stories and hit the pavement without breaking his legs because honestly the universe that hxh exists in behaves more like a video game with a broken physics engine than it does a real world.  
  
"you are merely too young to understand," hisoka said, smiling like a clown (haha) right in killua's scrunched up face. "but vaping is powerful. vaping is the future."  
  
":/" said killua. he started going through his instagram feed again.  
  
morel puffed out more rabbits. the road filled with them, causing even more accidents. these characters were immune to the public and private property they were destroying through their actions. "no, hisoka is right," morel said. "not only is this much more practical than my bigass pipe, not only is it cooler, but it's also...... popular with the teens. if you post a vaping pic on your instant gram you will get more followers"  
  
this couldn't possibly be true. hisoka offered killua some doritos. aw yeah cooler ranch. killua ate some and then wiped his fingers on his $300000 dollar shirt. he thought for a minute, and decided to test this out for himself. he borrowed morel's vape pnen and posed with it. he posted an image. everyone loved an image. his eyes shot wide, like the universe after the big bang.  
  
"holy shit," he said, watching his follower account skyrocket.  
  
"yeah see," hisoka said, finishing the bag of chips and then starting to rip apart the bag and eat it too.  
  
with vape pen in hand, killua smiled.  
  
JUST THEN, Gonathan Freecs showed up, trotting along like a minerature horse. Gonathan was beauty to Killua. so much so that he transformed into Killua (Alola form), which was basically the same as regular Killua but with more emotional constipation and communication issues, and infinitely more gay. it was this form of killua that gave off the most energy. kilua took off his gucci gang sunglasses and tossed them itno the street where they got run over by a bicyclist.  
  
"killua," said gonald, kind of aghast. "you _vape_?"  
  
"it's not what it looks like!" killua said, failing his arms around.  
  
"i saw your instagram post," gon (i'm too tired to think of another good fake name for gon) yelled, holding out his phone and showing the post. "don't play games with me!"  
  
"i just wanted to see if hisoka was right," and he tried to turn to hisoka for assistance, but hisoka was gone, doritos and all. morel was still absorbing energy from the sun, because he was a grass type pokemon and was powering up for a solarbeam attack on his next turn.  
  
"i'm dissapointed in you :(" said gon. "you don't need vaping to be cool killua. you're cool just the way you are!"  
  
killua started tearing up a little bit. he looked at the vape in his hands and then back at his one true love. he thought about all the fanfic he had written in his head about him and gon, and none of the many stories he had already written had gone this way. it goes to show you that real life can be as beautiful as the fiction of fan. this was more beautiful.  
  
he tossed the vape pen away, with all of his might, launching it into hyper speed into the road. he didn't need it as long as he had gon.  
  
NOOO screamed morel, running after his vape. he lost control of his solarbeam, which launched from his mouth as he screamed.  
  
suddenly, pouf appeared, inspecting the carnage of the traffic accidents, when the vape pen hit him in his face, exploding, and then being hit by the fulll strength of morel's solarbeam, which was even more powerful due to the STAB bonus and the fact that morel was holding a miracle seed.  
  
"FUCK MOTHS" gon shouted  
  
"YEAH, FUCK MOTHS" killua echoed.  
  
tje end


End file.
